So I promised funny (read: gross, disgusting, hilarious, and frightful)...I hope I give you funny.
Mama Fail...oh it is such a fail:
The other day the boys and I were out front playing in the street. No I am not a horrible mother (ahem), we live on a quiet cul-de-sac at the end of the street. The boys are pushing around over sized trucks and Bear is lounging in the sun on our neighbors lawn. Quiet and lovely.
Our neighbor comes home with her son and then we are all playing/talking together. Neighbor's son is kind of in love with Bear and so we are watching him closely as he interacts with the kids. It is soon evident that Bear has done his afternoon business and I run to clean it up before any of the kids get to it. Ahhh, now we can relax a bit.
Boys are all playing...neighborhood kids are coming down to the end of the street to play too. I'm in the process of swinging one of the older (5 years old) girls by her arms and answering a barrage of questions from her twin sister. Not paying attention to anything but these two for a bit. Never mind, awesome neighbor is controlling the boys, her son, and Bear. Girls' mom comes down the street to chat with us and make sure everyone is behaving. And we all start talking and having a lovely conversation (stay with me, the good part is coming).
I scan an eye around (as always) to keep both boys within my line of sight. James is behind me and John is across the street in the neighbors lawn, sitting down, quietly playing with a truck. Ahh life is good. Mom conversation with neighbors, kids playing nicely with each other, you know this can't last.
Awesome neighbor mom goes over to John because her son is much bigger than my boys (although still a toddler himself) and she is always watching him to make sure he plays gently. She kind of shouts over to me, "Um Mel." "Yea", I reply. "You might want to come over here", she says eerily. "John has gotten in to some of Bear's, um, stuff." I freeze and say "You're kidding me right?" "Nope, you need to come here, it's all over him." "Oh.My.God." I practically drop the 5 year old neighbor girl who I am still swinging around and go running over. John is covered in poop. POOP! It's on his hands, shirt, shoes, shorts, legs...everywhere but his face thank god. I just, just, don't know what to do. I stand there staring at him. Luckily James is still over by the house and awesome neighbor has a hold of her son. I have no idea what neighbor mom with twin girls is doing because I have lost the ability to think, hear, or see anything other than John covered with poop.
I manage to find two handholds that are fairly clean and make the 100 feet trek back to our driveway holding John out at arms length. I smile at pretty neighbor lady with her two sweet girls and meekly say "Ah motherhood, so glamorous." She really really struggles to not make a disgusted face. I remember that I have a pile of wet ones in the car and go to grab a packet. What I thought one flimsy little wet one would do in this situation is beyond me. It barely cleans one finger off. I drop John at the hose, turn it on to jet spray mode and strip him down. I am ever so careful to fold poop covered shirt in on itself to prevent from spreading in to his hair. Shorts and shoes get stripped. The hose goes on full blast. He stinks, oh man does he stink. There is nothing else that smells like dog poop. And this is it. I spray this poor baby with the cold water hose on jet spray and (pardon my french) shit goes flying. This stuff is sticky and stuck and I have to jet hose John down for a good 5 minutes before he is "ok to go in the house" clean. In the process I am getting spattered and splashed, chunks of poop are flying off and floating down the driveway....all the while my neighbors stare on in what I can only assume is awe and disgust. Eventually they do the kind thing and usher their children away "Don't look kids, it's too awful" and go home. James by now has figured something cool is going on because I have the hose on. Of course he wants to play in the water too. Oh joy. James is playing in poop run off water. Wonderful. John is standing there in shock from the cold hose jet spray that just assaulted him. Standing sopping wet in his diaper shivering and I am just trying to keep James away. I cross my fingers, pick up John and bring him inside the house. He is screaming by now because he is cold, tired, and dammit it's dinner time. "Never mind the poop crisis, I'm hungry!"
I run back out to get James (god knows where Bear is during all of this). He seems to be relatively clean but shoes are covered in poop water, so I strip him down to diaper for good measure only to find it sagging down to his knees full of, you guessed it, poop. I nearly cry, but don't have time for that nonsense. I cross my finger that he has not learned to take his diaper off, drop him in the house to join the chorus of screams. I run back out to deal with poopocalypse. If I don't deal with it right away, I will forget. I need to deal with poop covered driveway, truck toy, clothes, shoes and pile of crap still remaining on neighbors lawn. I run over, clean up pile, I come back to hose down driveway and toy truck with hose still on jet spray. Not a good idea. Jet spray causes things to spatter and fly...I am now probably more disgusting than the boys. Ugh. Mind you all the while, I still have no idea where Bear is and I can hear the plaintive screams from the still dripping wet and cold boys inside.
Kicking all of the toys, pile of poop clothes, and wet ones debris in to the garage...I go hunt for Bear. Luckily for him he obeys my calls (it's dinner time after all) and eagerly runs in to the house. I close the garage door, contained. Chaos is at least contained. I strip down myself...no, not sexy, remember...still covered in poop water spatter. I grab both boys and wash us all down with hot water towels. Of course there is no time for a full bath right now because, remember, dinner time. The screams are still coming and now I have a barking dog begging for food too.
Wishing with all my might that my boys have magically learned to use utensils instead of their hands to eat, I plop them down in their highchairs praying they are clean enough. Some type of edible food is shoved at them. I run upstairs to get dressed and do a quick scan for anything disturbing..."good enough, I think.", start the bath for the boys and run back downstairs. We make it through dinner and as I usher the kids up for a much needed and well deserved bath, I can't help bu notice James's diaper and it's contents which are no longer contained. Seriously! After a 20 wipes wipe down 2 nakey babies go running up the stairs for a bath.
Later that evening after boiling myself in the shower I reminisced over the events of the day. I can only imagine what the neighbors must think of this hillbilly mid-western family. Luckily I had wine in the house and that helped a little. In addition, I have amazing neighbors, who are somehow able to put crazy days like this aside and still look me in the eye the next time we run in to each other. I knew raising these two little boys would have it's "interesting" moments, but honestly I pictured something more along the lines of mud pies and bringing worms in the house. That I can handle.
Now, anyone who asks "what does a stay at home mom do all day?" Here is your answer....and that was just 20 minutes of my day.
Mama win:
I took twin 18 month old boys to the mall, by myself, to get their picture taken with the Easter bunny. I dropped them in the bunny's lap, made sure he had a hold of these screaming writhing children, and dove off camera like an action movie stunt man, screaming "Just take the picture." Attached is the beautiful result, to be cherished for years.
Mama Fail...oh it is such a fail:
The other day the boys and I were out front playing in the street. No I am not a horrible mother (ahem), we live on a quiet cul-de-sac at the end of the street. The boys are pushing around over sized trucks and Bear is lounging in the sun on our neighbors lawn. Quiet and lovely.
Our neighbor comes home with her son and then we are all playing/talking together. Neighbor's son is kind of in love with Bear and so we are watching him closely as he interacts with the kids. It is soon evident that Bear has done his afternoon business and I run to clean it up before any of the kids get to it. Ahhh, now we can relax a bit.
Boys are all playing...neighborhood kids are coming down to the end of the street to play too. I'm in the process of swinging one of the older (5 years old) girls by her arms and answering a barrage of questions from her twin sister. Not paying attention to anything but these two for a bit. Never mind, awesome neighbor is controlling the boys, her son, and Bear. Girls' mom comes down the street to chat with us and make sure everyone is behaving. And we all start talking and having a lovely conversation (stay with me, the good part is coming).
I scan an eye around (as always) to keep both boys within my line of sight. James is behind me and John is across the street in the neighbors lawn, sitting down, quietly playing with a truck. Ahh life is good. Mom conversation with neighbors, kids playing nicely with each other, you know this can't last.
Awesome neighbor mom goes over to John because her son is much bigger than my boys (although still a toddler himself) and she is always watching him to make sure he plays gently. She kind of shouts over to me, "Um Mel." "Yea", I reply. "You might want to come over here", she says eerily. "John has gotten in to some of Bear's, um, stuff." I freeze and say "You're kidding me right?" "Nope, you need to come here, it's all over him." "Oh.My.God." I practically drop the 5 year old neighbor girl who I am still swinging around and go running over. John is covered in poop. POOP! It's on his hands, shirt, shoes, shorts, legs...everywhere but his face thank god. I just, just, don't know what to do. I stand there staring at him. Luckily James is still over by the house and awesome neighbor has a hold of her son. I have no idea what neighbor mom with twin girls is doing because I have lost the ability to think, hear, or see anything other than John covered with poop.
I manage to find two handholds that are fairly clean and make the 100 feet trek back to our driveway holding John out at arms length. I smile at pretty neighbor lady with her two sweet girls and meekly say "Ah motherhood, so glamorous." She really really struggles to not make a disgusted face. I remember that I have a pile of wet ones in the car and go to grab a packet. What I thought one flimsy little wet one would do in this situation is beyond me. It barely cleans one finger off. I drop John at the hose, turn it on to jet spray mode and strip him down. I am ever so careful to fold poop covered shirt in on itself to prevent from spreading in to his hair. Shorts and shoes get stripped. The hose goes on full blast. He stinks, oh man does he stink. There is nothing else that smells like dog poop. And this is it. I spray this poor baby with the cold water hose on jet spray and (pardon my french) shit goes flying. This stuff is sticky and stuck and I have to jet hose John down for a good 5 minutes before he is "ok to go in the house" clean. In the process I am getting spattered and splashed, chunks of poop are flying off and floating down the driveway....all the while my neighbors stare on in what I can only assume is awe and disgust. Eventually they do the kind thing and usher their children away "Don't look kids, it's too awful" and go home. James by now has figured something cool is going on because I have the hose on. Of course he wants to play in the water too. Oh joy. James is playing in poop run off water. Wonderful. John is standing there in shock from the cold hose jet spray that just assaulted him. Standing sopping wet in his diaper shivering and I am just trying to keep James away. I cross my fingers, pick up John and bring him inside the house. He is screaming by now because he is cold, tired, and dammit it's dinner time. "Never mind the poop crisis, I'm hungry!"
I run back out to get James (god knows where Bear is during all of this). He seems to be relatively clean but shoes are covered in poop water, so I strip him down to diaper for good measure only to find it sagging down to his knees full of, you guessed it, poop. I nearly cry, but don't have time for that nonsense. I cross my finger that he has not learned to take his diaper off, drop him in the house to join the chorus of screams. I run back out to deal with poopocalypse. If I don't deal with it right away, I will forget. I need to deal with poop covered driveway, truck toy, clothes, shoes and pile of crap still remaining on neighbors lawn. I run over, clean up pile, I come back to hose down driveway and toy truck with hose still on jet spray. Not a good idea. Jet spray causes things to spatter and fly...I am now probably more disgusting than the boys. Ugh. Mind you all the while, I still have no idea where Bear is and I can hear the plaintive screams from the still dripping wet and cold boys inside.
Kicking all of the toys, pile of poop clothes, and wet ones debris in to the garage...I go hunt for Bear. Luckily for him he obeys my calls (it's dinner time after all) and eagerly runs in to the house. I close the garage door, contained. Chaos is at least contained. I strip down myself...no, not sexy, remember...still covered in poop water spatter. I grab both boys and wash us all down with hot water towels. Of course there is no time for a full bath right now because, remember, dinner time. The screams are still coming and now I have a barking dog begging for food too.
Wishing with all my might that my boys have magically learned to use utensils instead of their hands to eat, I plop them down in their highchairs praying they are clean enough. Some type of edible food is shoved at them. I run upstairs to get dressed and do a quick scan for anything disturbing..."good enough, I think.", start the bath for the boys and run back downstairs. We make it through dinner and as I usher the kids up for a much needed and well deserved bath, I can't help bu notice James's diaper and it's contents which are no longer contained. Seriously! After a 20 wipes wipe down 2 nakey babies go running up the stairs for a bath.
Later that evening after boiling myself in the shower I reminisced over the events of the day. I can only imagine what the neighbors must think of this hillbilly mid-western family. Luckily I had wine in the house and that helped a little. In addition, I have amazing neighbors, who are somehow able to put crazy days like this aside and still look me in the eye the next time we run in to each other. I knew raising these two little boys would have it's "interesting" moments, but honestly I pictured something more along the lines of mud pies and bringing worms in the house. That I can handle.
Now, anyone who asks "what does a stay at home mom do all day?" Here is your answer....and that was just 20 minutes of my day.
Mama win:
I took twin 18 month old boys to the mall, by myself, to get their picture taken with the Easter bunny. I dropped them in the bunny's lap, made sure he had a hold of these screaming writhing children, and dove off camera like an action movie stunt man, screaming "Just take the picture." Attached is the beautiful result, to be cherished for years.
 |
| Luckily this is the only part of my post I have captured in photograph. |
