So I got in the biggest fight with Jay last night. Is he aware of it? No. Why? Not because he wasn't paying attention. And no, it's not because I was so mad I cracked him over the head and now he has amnesia. He was unaware because it was all in my head. Yes a full blown, knock down, drag out fight...all in my head. Does anyone else ever do this?!
You are blissfully going about your day, you come to a situation in which you might think of another person. You get in this imaginary conversation with this person, it ends up in an argument and now you are mad. Oh you are soooo mad. So mad you could spit. Huh. It's too bad the other person has no clue. Please tell me someone else in the world does this. Helloooo
"So why are you so crazy," you might ask. Well, first off, that is not a very nice question, but my answer would be: I like to think of these "intra-cranial" arguments as a type of self defense. You know how you get in a situation where there may be an argument or disagreement of sorts and you don't think of that perfect come back until 30 minutes after the conversation is over. Well, I like to think that this is my way of being ahead of the game. I make up random arguments and go through the whole fight in my head...ya know...in case I ever have to have said fake argument, um, in reality. Of course knowing me, by the time this imaginary argument ever comes to fruition, I'll have forgotten my extreme wit and will be a stumbling mess as is customary.
But don't worry I'm not SO crazy that I end up letting this fake fight merge in to reality. However, I get so tense and infuriated with these imaginary fights that my heart rate is up, my jaw is clenched, and I'm sure my blood pressure is sky high. Good thing I have finally gotten to the point where I can stop myself in the beginning of an "argument," before the madness really sets in. I will be driving along, hands gripped on the steering wheel, knuckles white, eyes squinting a mad death stare, heart rate beginning to rise...but wait...my conscious self recognizes these symptoms of mild insanity and gives me a good mental slap in the face. "Snap out of it woman, this is not really happening."
I'll admit, although I do not ever let these arguments pour over into reality, there is always some lingering anger. Kind of like when you wake up from a dream and you're mad at who ever because they did something mean to you in the dream. Well this is much like that. I have to have my space for a while and let my emotions catch up with the logical side of my brain. But how do I explain this need for space? "Sorry honey, I'm not REALLY mad at you, but I still kind of hate you right now. Just give me a minute and all will be back to normal"...well relatively normal at least. But no, I could never do that...that would sound weird. ahem.
So, of course Jay (or who ever is the target at that moment, it could be the old lady driving in front of me) is blissfully ignorant that he is the victim of my hatred and goes about his day unawares. I just hope for his sake he is generally on his best behavior, cause if he does something while my brain is in fight mode, it may spill over in to reality. Then he will be sorry. Cause man, I will be soooo ahead of him in the argument that he will have no idea what hit him. Poor guy, hasn't a chance. He may as well give up now.
